A guide to the best cuisine that the Lao PDR has to offer

Noodle soup is the greatest meal on Earth. It consists of noodles floating in a bowl of hot water with a small amount of scrawny, bony meat, some alfalfa sprouts and a couple of balls of heavily processed devon-like meat. Its fantastic flavour can be enhanced by the addition of large volumes of fish sauce and chilli sauce. It is usually accompanied by a plate of lettuce and some other bitter leaves. Noodle soup can be eaten three meals a day, and it remains an exciting option.

A local delicacy is “Duck Blood Salad”. Approximate directions:
T ake one fresh duck.
Slaughter, pluck and de-bone the duck.
Place the slaughtered duck in a blender, and blend for several minutes.
Allow to stand to give the blood time to congeal.
While waiting, arrange lettuce and bitter leaves on a plate.
When there are congealed globules floating in the remains of the duck, pour the contents of the blender onto the leaves.
Serve.

(Note: This isn’t a joke.)

A common dish found in western style restaurants in Laos is “French fried”. (The Lao people clearly resent their former colonial maters.)

If these ingredients are hard to find or too expensive, the following can be substituted:

This should result in a delicious meal that even the most discerning Foleng (foreigner) will be unable to distinguish from the genuine article.

Occasionally you may meet a westerner who is a “celiac”, meaning that he is gluten intolerant. These people are disgusting mutants who should be starved out of existence. As a result, all rice (the staple food of most celiacs) should be mixed with gluten to make “sticky rice”, the staple food of most Lao people. The health problems caused by the subsequently high sugar content of a typical Lao diet is a small price to pay for the suffering that can be inflicted on those who cannot eat gluten.

Sometimes you may meet a westerner who claims to be a “vegetarian”. The meaning of this word is uncertain. They will repeatedly request food that does not contain meat. This obviously makes no sense. The best advice is to either ignore their request, or if they are insistent, serve a bowl of boiled lettuce.

Some westerners also request food without seasoning (MSG). They clearly just don’t know what tastes good. Besides, who knows how to fry vegetables without MSG? It simply wouldn’t work. Try giving them food that contains slightly less MSG than normal.

The greatest beer in the world is Beer Lao. It is so great that it all gets drunk here and there is none left to export. It is so superior to all other beers that there is no need to show advertisements for other brands of beer. All such advertisements on the Thai TV channels are conveniently replaced by a very attractive “intermission” picture.

The greatest spirits in the world are Johnny Walker whisky and Lao-lao, a local rice whisky. Lao-lao is particularly enjoyable late at night, early in the evening, during the afternoon, as an aperitif for lunch, as an accompaniment for morning tea or with breakfast. Do not confuse Lao-lao with another liquid that is similar in appearance and odour: methylated spirits are not as tasty.

There is a saying in Laos, coined by the great Falung Sam (living with Chris and Susan) . It says 'It goes together like rice and cucumber'. Whatever you are eating (which is always rice), there should always, always be pieces of cucumber.

Westerners always eat too much. That is why they are too tall. If there are three or more westerners eating a meal together, withhold one of the dishes. Bring out each dish as the earlier one is finished, and then do not bring out the final dish at all. Perhaps the last person will not notice that they haven't eaten.

Western food is best enjoyed with a nice bottle of tomato sauce. Always provide a bottle of tomato sauce or "ketchup" with western dishes, such as pizza, fried fish and tuna sandwiches.

One Step at a Time - the Conyers in Laos