An Extended Description of the Vientiane Water Park

Thinking it would be a good way to spend a hot afternoon in Vientiane with Amy (Susan’s sister) and Jason (her husband), we went to the Vientiane Water Park. Upon arriving, we found that the parking area for motorbikes is a rough patch of ground 100m from the entrance. To get to the entrance you had to walk along the edge of a large, foul-smelling open drain (no fences).

When we entered the water park, we wandered around trying to find the change rooms. They were eventually pointed out to us behind the building, out of the way and un-signposted.

This was the location of my first unexpected and notable experience at the water park: Just as I was about to use the urinal, which was right next to the door, and middle aged Lao lady walked in, stared at me for a bit, and proceeded to wander around the men’s change room. After 30 seconds or so, when it seemed like she had no intention of leaving, I decided that I didn’t really need to go to the toilet after all and went to the slides.

There were 3 types of slides: A slide that goes down, then up (so you come back down again backwards, then get out), a twisting “regular” sort of slide, and a straight speed slide. We decided all to try the first one, took a mat and went to the top.

Amy, for some reason that we couldn’t then comprehend, wasn’t allowed to, but had to use the twisting slide. We later worked out that she had the wrong coloured strip of fabric underneath her mat. (These colour strips were not shown or explained anywhere.)

Jason, Susan and I went to use the down-up-down slide. The staff there showed us how to lie on the mat (i.e. headfirst only, with some mysterious angle at which the front of the mat should be held) and the held our ankles to push us down the first part of the slide. This was a necessary service since the first few metres were decidedly un-slippery.

This slide was pretty good, but when we got to the bottom we found that Amy had hurt her jaw on the way down the twisting slide. Thinking that she was being a sook, we all tried it for ourselves and were thoroughly thrown around, bashed against the sides, and dumped unceremoniously in the pool at the bottom with limbs flailing in all directions. That all three of us escaped uninjured was a miracle.

Looking to the final slide, I suggested that not even Lao safety standards could make a dead straight slide dangerous. The kids on it all seemed to be doing OK, so Susan, Jason and I went to this final slide.

After another instruction in how to hold her mat (Susan’s instructor adjusted the angle of the front of her mat 8-10 times, all within a 10 degree arc, before unaccountably settling with a position that had been unacceptable the previous four times), we were again gripped by the ankles and pushed down the slide.

The first half was fine.

On the second half, Susan somehow injured her elbow. It was not serious, but she had restricted movement in that elbow for 2-3 days afterwards.

Additionally, on account of several pieces of foam that were placed about halfway down the slide to act as speed bumps and slow us down*, Jason and I strongly recommend against the use of this slide by all uncastrated males.

Final toll:
- One sore jaw
- One sore elbow, restricted movement
- Two potential sterilisations
- Four unsatisfied customers

* The speed bumps, while painful, were insufficient to prevent me hitting the end of the slide with some force.