Reflections on four months away from home

It has struck me recently that I spend a lot of time on my blog talking about things I've been doing, and not much else. That isn't a real reflection on how I find life here in a Buddhist, communist, developing nation in Asia 8000 kilometres from home. So let me be honest with you :-)
I go through many phases here. Sometimes I am inspired, I love my work, I love learning, I love Lao people, I love being constantly exposed to new things. But just as often I find myself feeling lonely, ineffective, lacking confidence, depressed, totally confused. I'm going through one of these phases at the moment - it has dawned on me that I am not achieving what I would like to at work, and I see other falang in my office who are doing a much better job at developing this organisation. I'm feeling very crippled by my lack of confidence in my engineering abilities (well, I've always had this! But now it is worse), my subconsciousness when trying to speak Lao (even though I have improved so much since I arrived), my lack of knowledge in how to be innovative. Maybe its just my frame of mind at the moment, but I am struggling to know how I am going to get out of this, since the working framework is so different here, as well as the structure of this organisation. I have even come so far as considering leaving, which is something that most people reading this would know never usually enters my mind, just because I am starting to think that if I am not skilled enough to do this, then maybe giving up is better than continuing. I am still here because I want to see if this really is a phase, I am actually interested in my work, and I don't want to leave wondering if I could have done better.
The other significant down phase I have been through here has been regarding friendships. This is still an issue, although much smaller now and not as difficult as my work situation. I'm not somebody who makes friends quickly, because I reserve my opinion for those who I am really close to. Also, it seems like much of the socialising here revolves around the constant drinking of alcohol, which I'm just not really interested in and can't pretend to be for very long. I often compare this situation to when I was at uni, when I made lots of wonderful and very close friends in what seemed a short space of time, to now - and all I can think of is that I was particularly blessed while at uni. I have been really surprised that I haven't connected with people as much as I expected, because I really thought the ex-pats engaged in this sort of work would share some similarity in their mindset. I'm yet to really see that. Thankfully I have met enough people now that I am starting to feel like I have some sort of community here. I particularly like the Christian community (although much smaller than at home!) - it is comforting to know you always have a home with Christ's family, no matter where you are. And you know that Christian people will always care for you, and put you before themselves.
I think I got more than I bargained for when I asked God to use this experience for whatever purpose he wished. I think that he is trying to break all the knowledge I thought I had, and bring me back to him. Perhaps the two most valuable things I have got out of this experience so far is a much closer relationship with God and a real sense of his presence, and a lot more time with Chris. I am very very lucky to have Chris here with me, even though he goes through a lot of the same troubles that I do - we are growing an awful lot together, and learning what is really important in life.
I feel like this has been quite an intense and depressing blog entry, so maybe I should say some good things!!! I love having a lot of free time, although sometimes I struggle to know how to fill it (I don't have to clean, cook, wash, study a Masters, anything!) Life is slow, so I have time to appreciate things more - like food, like beautiful scenery (sunsets on the Mekong behind my house!) I haven't had this much time to think since I was back in Dungog, so I think with so much more clarity and I can really quantify what I am thinking, as opposed to the fuzziness that clouded my stressed mind back in Sydney. I love being involved in such an innovative organisation that is directly changing peoples lives, and getting to play with funky toys at work - even if I do struggle with what I am personally contributing. I love riding around on motorbikes, especially my SuperCub - there's not much that spells out 'living in Asia' more than this! And I love this city - I know this because whenever I am away from here, I just want to come back :-)
Thanks for giving me a chance to be honest - please make sure you keep me this way in the future :-)

Sok dee,
Susan